Nurturing secure attachment: A vital building block for a loving partnership

Attachment styles, while initially used to describe infant behaviour, can have a significant influence on the way we act in romantic relationships and, in turn, affect the quality of those relationships.

Secure attachment in adult relationships is characterised by better communication and conflict resolution, and more trust and intimacy between partners. As such, it is important to understand how attachment styles can impact the quality of a relationship to try and behave in ways that reflect and embed a secure attachment style.

What are attachment styles?

Psychologist John Bowlby first introduced attachment theory as a way to describe infants’ behaviour toward their primary caregivers (Heffernan, Fraley, Vicary & Brumbaugh, 2012; Simpson, Collins, Tran & Haydon, 2007). It focuses on the bonds or attachments that individuals form with others, especially during early childhood, and how these attachments influence their emotional and social development throughout life. Attachment theory suggests that the quality of early relationships, particularly with caregivers, can have a profound impact on an individual's emotional and interpersonal functioning (Simpson et al., 2007).

Attachment in infants develops in response to the way caregivers respond to their needs and through the bonds they form with others. Infants have a natural need to seek proximity and contact with a caregiver who provides them protection and comfort while exploring their environment. When a caregiver is distant or fails to provide the necessary closeness and support, it causes distress and leads the child to behave in ways that seek to re-establish the proximity they need to their caregiver (Heffernan et al., 2012). This proximity reduces any fear, anxiety or distress felt by the child (Simpson & Rholes, 2017).

However, while initially developed in early childhood, attachment styles are constantly reinforced throughout development to adulthood. As such, attachment can have a significant influence on adult relationships, with early experiences guiding the way we expect relationships to be as adults (Campbell, Simpson, Boldry & Kashy, 2005).

Types of attachment

There are three primary attachment styles that individuals may develop based on their early caregiving experiences:

1. Secure Attachment: Children with secure attachment styles tend to have caregivers who are consistently responsive to their needs and emotions (Shi, 2003). As a result, they feel confident in seeking comfort and support from their caregivers and are generally able to explore their environment and become more social. In adulthood, individuals with secure attachment styles tend to have healthy, trusting, and lasting relationships (Simpson, 1990).

2. Anxious-Preoccupied (or Anxious-Ambivalent) Attachment: Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles often have caregivers who are inconsistent in their responsiveness (Shi, 2003). As a result, these individuals may become overly dependent on their relationships, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment. In adulthood, they may experience high levels of anxiety and insecurity in their relationships (Campbell et al., 2005).

3. Avoidant Attachment: Children with avoidant attachment styles often have caregivers who are emotionally distant or unresponsive (Shi, 2003). Consequently, these individuals learn to suppress their emotional needs and become self-reliant. In adulthood, they may struggle with intimacy and have difficulty expressing their emotions or relying on others for support (Campbell et al., 2005).

Secure attachment in adult relationships

Adult attachment influences various aspects of romantic relationships, including communication, conflict resolution, trust, and the experience of positive and negative emotions (Campbell & Stanton, 2019; Domingue & Mollen, 2009; Shi, 2003; Simpson, 1990; Simpson et al., 2007). Secure attachment is associated with higher levels of trust, more commitment, and greater levels of satisfaction in a relationship than insecure (anxious and avoidant) attachment styles (Simpson, 1990).

Some of the benefits of secure attachment in an adult relationship include:

Enhanced communication - Securely attached individuals tend to be more open and effective communicators in their romantic relationships. They are comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings, as well as listening to their partner's perspective, without becoming overly defensive or reactive. They typically have more trust that their partner will respond in a supportive manner and this open and empathetic communication style fosters emotional intimacy and connection (Domingue & Mollen, 2009).

Better conflict resolution - Securely attached individuals are better equipped to handle conflicts within their relationships. They are less likely to resort to destructive behaviours like withdrawing, stonewalling or blame-shifting (Domingue & Mollen, 2009). Instead, they approach conflicts with a problem-solving mindset, seeking compromise and resolution (Shi, 2003). Their ability to remain calm and emotionally regulated during disagreements contributes to more constructive conflict resolution.

More trust - Securely attached individuals tend to have a strong foundation of trust in their relationships (Campbell & Stanton, 2019). They believe in the reliability and availability of their partners, which helps create a sense of safety and security. They see their partners as responsive to their feelings and trust that they will not leave or abandon them (Domingue & Mollen, 2009). This trust allows them to be vulnerable and share their innermost thoughts and emotions without fear of rejection.

Emotional maturity - Securely attached individuals have a healthy relationship with their own emotions and can effectively manage and express them. They are comfortable with vulnerability and are more likely to express love, affection, and support to their partners (Simpson et al., 2007). This emotional availability and authenticity contribute to a deeper emotional connection in the relationship.

Practical ways to build a secure attachment style

Building and reflecting a secure attachment style in a romantic relationship is crucial for emotional intimacy and a healthy partnership. Here are seven practical ways to reflect a secure attachment style in your romantic relationship:

1. Open and Honest Communication

- Foster open and transparent communication with your partner. Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns honestly.

- Listen actively to your partner's needs and concerns without judgment or defensiveness.

- Communicate your expectations and boundaries clearly to avoid misunderstandings.

2. Emotional Availability

- Be emotionally available and responsive to your partner's emotional needs.

- Validate your partner's feelings and experiences, even if you don't fully understand or agree with them.

- Make an effort to be present and attentive when your partner needs support or comfort.

3. Trust and Reliability

- Build and maintain trust by following through on promises and commitments.

- Be dependable and reliable in your actions and words. Consistency is key to creating a secure attachment.

- Avoid actions or behaviors that could erode trust, such as dishonesty or infidelity.

4. Vulnerability and Sharing

- Share your vulnerabilities and insecurities with your partner. Vulnerability can deepen emotional intimacy.

- Encourage your partner to do the same, creating a safe space for both of you to express your true selves.

- Avoid criticism or judgment when your partner opens up to you.

5. Affection and Physical Touch

- Show affection through physical touch, such as hugs, kisses, and cuddling.

- Physical intimacy can be a powerful way to reinforce emotional bonds and attachment.

- Be attuned to your partner's physical and emotional comfort levels.

6. Support and Encouragement

- Offer support and encouragement during challenging times. Let your partner know that you are there for them.

- Celebrate each other's successes and accomplishments. Be each other's biggest cheerleader.

- Avoid being overly critical or unsupportive, even when providing constructive feedback.

7. Independence and Autonomy:

- Encourage each other's personal growth and independence. It's important to have your own interests and goals.

- Trust that you can maintain a secure attachment while allowing space for individual growth.

- Avoid codependency or possessiveness, which can be detrimental to a secure attachment.

Remember that building a secure attachment style in a romantic relationship takes time, effort, and ongoing commitment from both partners. It's essential to work together to create a safe and loving environment where both individuals can thrive emotionally and grow together.

References

Campbell, L., & Stanton, S. C. (2019). Adult attachment and trust in romantic relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 25, 148-151.

Campbell, L., Simpson, J. A., Boldry, J., & Kashy, D. A. (2005). Perceptions of conflict and support in romantic relationships: the role of attachment anxiety. Journal of personality and social psychology, 88(3), 510.

Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678-696.

Heffernan, M. E., Fraley, R. C., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2012). Attachment features and functions in adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(5), 671-693.

Shi, L. (2003). The association between adult attachment styles and conflict resolution in romantic relationships. American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(3), 143-157.

Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology, 59(5), 971.

Simpson, J. A., Collins, W. A., Tran, S., & Haydon, K. C. (2007). Attachment and the experience and expression of emotions in romantic relationships: a developmental perspective. Journal of personality and social psychology, 92(2), 355.

Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 13, 19-24.